


Eternal Sunshines & Slow Dances

by howlettheim



Category: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004), Kathniel
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Memory Loss, Romance, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26217400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlettheim/pseuds/howlettheim
Summary: kathniel au, inspired by eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004) • in which daniel and kathryn suffer the consequences of having their memories clinically erased from each other.
Relationships: Gabbi Garcia/Khalil Ramos, Kathniel - Relationship, Kathryn Bernardo/Daniel Padilla
Kudos: 1





	1. The Night We Met – Lord Huron

**Author's Note:**

> it would be strange to have so much feelings with no explanations after this, or do these feelings go away once the memories do? 
> 
> either way, daniel would wake up with no more kathryn to remember, and it is a bittersweet truth to behold.

** February 13, 2004 **

The sun’s starting to rise, its light shining through the red curtains in his room, painting such lonesome grey walls rose-tinted. Daniel smiled at the colour, which reminds himself of a certain someone. Cheeks blushing, head turning away, hiding a shy smile. His heart pounded in his chest, it was too fast, and too loud, he feels as if he could hear it. This morning was too quiet. He reaches for the phone and dials the numbers she had sloppily written on the palm of his hand— thank the heavens they weren’t erased. 

The old, piece of chunk he calls a phone had a cracked screen— which he still doesn’t remember why, he was probably drunk— and his hands were too big and clumsy clicking on its keypad, trying to save the contact, though there had been many errors just trying to type the name. Daniel smiled to himself, stupidly smiling, so wide, just remembering the way he catches Kathryn looking at him with such adoring eyes. Whenever he turns to look at her, she shies away and tries not to smile. She purses her lips together and looks down, hiding her blushing cheeks. It’s such a little thing, and yet so endearing. He pretends he doesn’t see it, and it makes it all the more special.

The ringing filled the room, and he sprawled on top of his blankets and buried his face in all his pillows. Everything felt exhausting, with such a tiresome job he didn’t like, just trying to pay the bills. Guitars, basses, and amplifiers sat in the corner of the room, dusted, left alone, just waiting to be held. Food so stale, apartment so old, rains so heavy, as if the universe couldn’t give him a break. 

_ Until last night.  _

It felt like a miracle. Daniel thought to himself how amazing it felt, how there’s suddenly hope in his dimming life of having to stop pursuing his dreams and his heart feeling unfulfilled... cycles of day and night, cannot even fake a smile no matter how hard he tried. 

Well, until last night. When he met someone who loves claw machines just as much as he does. 

The receiver at the other end seemed to have missed the call— there was a text message, though. The same rendezvous the first night they met, 8:30 PM at the Atmosphere Arcade over at Fifth Street, illuminated with neon signs and childhood nostalgia. So much waiting there is to be, he wanted to see him now, despite his body betraying him with feeling so weak from the sleep deprivation. 

He stared blankly at his ceiling. So much loneliness has followed him his whole life, how come he felt so empty before this? How did he manage to live? Thinking about this new exciting potential of a relationship sent him into a spiral seconds later.  _ I am happy, and hopeful, at this moment. What would I do once it’s gone? Will I be like this forever, or will I go back to who I was the day before: a mere speck of dust in this galaxy, in this vast, star-filled universe, yet still so purposeless and alone?  _ Wallowing in self-pity soon sent him drifting off to sleep. Dreams are escapes and new realities, there are so many possibilities there, no worries nor anxiety. It felt like that with Kathryn last night. It felt, so badly, like a dream. Is that a good thing or a bad thing, and how should he know?

So Daniel dreamt of her. He was singing to her, with all the passion in his heart. “I don’t want to wake up now,” he told Kathryn. “I’m so happy with you, and I can’t lose this.” 

“You won’t,” she replied. But the sceneries changed. He’s in a different place, with crowds of people, with distinctive voices yet indiscernible dialogues. So much inconsistency. 

It’s becoming a nightmare now. Strangely enough, it feels so real. He’s holding his phone in his hand, and there’s not a single scratch on it. There are vases of flowers on the tables, the walls were eggshell white, there were people in laboratory coats. It feels like a memory. Something he had lost. 

A man and a woman approach him, who were oddly familiar to Daniel. He looked around, and started to panic. “I want to wake up.” 

“Excuse me, sir?” 

He felt his hands shake, and sweat began to form on the sides of his head. 

“Are you Mr. Daniel John Ford? You called us for an appointment. You’re here at Fernandez Incorporated—“ 

The voice started to fade and everything was changing once again. He hopes to wake up soon. 


	2. Jules – Unique Salonga

** February 9, 2004 **

Daniel went back to his daytime job at the Coffee House. He felt guilty for feeling too hateful. Everyone just seems so happy. There are people in relationships holding hands together. He greeted people with fake enthusiasm, wrote their names on their coffee cups, and tried to spell their name correctly. Mostly, though, he was just trying to give them what they really ordered. Daniel can’t seem to focus. It’s too difficult. He usually felt dead inside, but this time, he felt too human. Everything is too painful. Everything reminds him of Kathryn. 

He even saw her come in last week, and she was with someone. August was the name, he thinks. He didn’t know if they were together or if they were just friends. She just ordered coffee. Her usual order. The only one Daniel can’t ever mess up, to be honest. She talked to him like she never knew him, and he could barely hold back his tears. Kathryn never came in again, but August looked at him in a strange way. Like he felt sorry. Maybe he knew.

Daniel never asked. But he wanted to. It was just like that, like in a snap of his fingers... they were gone. 

A card came in the mail a week later. A small, simple card, no fancy fonts, or colors. A piece of card, in the shade of amber, with his parents’ name on it. It was delivered from the company of Fernandez Inc., sort of like a firm in New York. “What is this?” He muttered to himself, brows furrowing. 

He fumbled with it in his fingers, saw a glimpse of Kathryn’s name, and felt nervousness spread through his body.

_ “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Ford _

_ Kathryn Chandria Bernardo has had Daniel John Ford erased from his memory. Please never mention their relationship to him again. _

_ Thank you.  _

_ Fernandez Inc., Manhattan, NYC” _

He shook his head in disbelief. Erasing memories? It didn’t seem possible. God. It felt like some sick joke or prank the universe must have been playing on him. Did Kathryn hate him so much that she would do this? An explanation as to why after a heated argument, she would ignore all of his calls, avoid him, and go to a coffee shop he works at just to rub it in his face just how much she hated him?

He threw his phone at the wall, smashing its screen. Frustration got a hold of him, as well as anger. He felt his eyes warm with tears and his lips trembled. The apartment looked blurry in his vision, and the world seemed to have been crumbling down.

After much hesitation and self-pity, Daniel picked himself up from the floor, reached for his phone and felt himself cringe at the sight of the broken glass. He deleted Kathryn’s contact, and dialled the number written from the back company card instead. If Kathryn had the chance to erase him, why can’t he do the same? 

The company picked up, and he had to swallow nervously for his voice cracked continuously, constantly having to wipe his tears away from his cheeks. They asked him to bring a box of all stuff that might remind him of his former lover as he set up the meeting for tomorrow immediately.  _ There’s no going back now_ _,_ he thought.  _ It’s for the best .  _

As the call ended, Daniel went through his closet and held up a band shirt of an artist Kathryn loved. He embraced it one last time. There’s so many things he’s going to have to say goodbye to. 

_ It’s for the best _ _,_ he repeated to himself with a sigh, finally calming down. “It’s for the best.”


	3. Holocene – Bon Iver

** February 10, 2004  **

He drove there the day after. The office looked grim, there’s a few people waiting, sitting, and staring blankly at walls. Most of them looked so eager for their turns, and the others had looks on their faces as if they knew it was something they’d regret. Every once in a while, a person decides to neglect the idea of having their memories erased, and every once in a while, the same person returns anyway. 

A man and a woman approach him, both were wearing white coats, and the woman was holding some files in her hands. He looked around, and started to feel himself worry. 

“Are you Mr. Daniel John Ford? My name is Khalil, we spoke on the phone for an appointment. You’re here at Fernandez Incorporated—“ Khalil offered to shake his hand, but Daniel interrupted immediately. 

“What is this place?”

“To put it simply, sir, we specialize in removing targeted-memories that a person would like to remove,” the woman spoke. The tag on her coat spelled her name as Gabbi. 

“How is that possible?”

“You’ll see,” Gabbi replied, gesturing to a smaller office. Daniel stood up, picked up his box of memories and held it close to his chest, and followed closely behind Khalil and Gabbi. He was full of uncertainties, but he fought them back whenever he starts to remember how much pain it brought him when he had his heart broken. 

As he seated, the doctor sat across him whilst another technician, Elizabeth, picked up the box of his possessions and walked across the room to Gabbi and Khalil, who were setting up computers together. The screen displayed some sort of MRI scanning technology, with all other settings and information beside it. He looked at it and felt uncomfortable, before the doctor put a hand on his shoulder to grab his attention. 

“Are you okay?”

Daniel cleared his throat, nodding in affirmation. 

“It’s okay to feel nervous... what’s your name again? Daniel?” He nodded again. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Daniel. My name is Dr. Marquez, but you may call me Irish, if you want.” 

He remained quiet, avoiding eye contact. The room, though only filled with four people excluding himself, felt constricting. The interior of the office was almost as awful as its exterior. Plain white walls, little to no decorations, cheap, and it reeks of loneliness and mundanity. Simply lacklustre. Daniel ignored all of this and decided to ask what is exactly needed to be asked. He didn’t want anything to do with the company anymore. He just wanted to get out after he gets all his answers. 

“Why did Kathryn erase me?” Irish looked taken aback, as was the technicians when he finally spoke in a louder volume. “How do I know this is all real, and how does it work? It seems impossible to me, so you're gonna have to explain that.” 

Irish only nodded in acknowledgement to his queries. She seemed to have been getting these questions all the time being the one in charge. “We will be keeping a file of every memory you’ve had of him, no matter how small, and we will create a map of targeted memories to remove. These items you brought us would help in preventing them trigger memories back to yourself.” 

“Is there... is there risk of brain damage?” 

“Technically, the procedure _is_ somewhat ‘brain damage,’” The doctor pointed out. Daniel’s brows furrowed in both worry and confusion. “But it’s similar to a night of heavy drinking. Only your memories of her will be gone, and nothing else will be affected. Everything will still be okay.” 

“I doubt that,” he muttered to himself. “But I want to do this.” 

“If there’s any more questions—“

“Why did she erase me?” Truth be told, it was the only question that was in his mind, and he had to repeat it. In all the incredulity of memory-erasing procedures, he only ever wanted to ask the reason why. Frankly, he didn’t care if everybody does it, it only mattered that Kathryn did, and with no explanations. As if he was not worth an explanation. 

“Our files are confidential, Mr. Ford. I’m sorry, I cannot tell you any detail regarding our procedure with Ms. Bernardo.” 

“I just want to know the reason why. Before I forget all of this,” he pleaded.

“Well, he was not happy, and he wanted to move on. That is all I could tell you.” 

Daniel looked down, feeling pathetic as to feeling his tears form in his eyes again. His hands shook. He built up the courage before he nodded to the doctor and signed the papers in agreement to the procedure. Elizabeth came over with files and logs, and handed a voice recorder to the doctor. 

“So we could create the map of the targeted-memories, will you tell us, and spare no detail, about your relationship with Ms. Bernardo? How did you meet?”

“We first met at the Atmosphere Arcade,” he recalled. “She was the most beautiful person in that room. I felt so drawn to her...” 

He proceeded to tell stories one after another. He repeated, once again, just to himself that this is probably for the best. He didn’t know if he believed it, but, it’s all he could do. 

“We’ll be conducting it at your apartment tomorrow night, sir. Take this,” Elizabeth, the othwr technician, handed him a pill. He looked at her, perplexed. “You need to be asleep for the whole procedure. Don’t worry, it won’t be painful.”

Daniel, upon hearing those words, felt it in his heart that it’s not just the procedure that won’t be painful, but hopefully, his life, after every trace of Kathryn is gone. 

Hopefully.


	4. The Art of Detaching One’s Heart – Phum Viphurit, Jenny & the Scallywags

** February 11, 2004 **

It was time for the technicians to do their jobs. After all, the only thing the doctor does is to explain everything to the patient the mechanism of it all, and she goes home to her husband while Khalil, Gabbi, and Elizabeth finally do their work. 

As they set up, Daniel laid down on the bed of his humble home, trying to remain calm and still before sleep takes over. The technicians set up the devices needed, all the computers, and all the gears. If there ever was any problem, Irish would be one call away. 

“It must have destroyed him to find out his girlfriend erased him,” Elizabeth pointed out as they laid out Daniel’s files on the table. “But I think it’s wise that he did the same. Otherwise, he’d live his life knowing someone hurt him that way.” 

“I wouldn’t,” Gabbi replied. “I mean... if I loved someone, I’d still want to remember them.” 

“That’s ironic,” Elizabeth muttered. 

“What did you say?”

“Nothing,” Elizabeth replied swiftly. Khalil looked at her with a frown, shaking his head. Daniel was listening to the whole conversation disinterestedly, but Khalil’s reaction was strange.

Once Daniel felt himself drifting off, the technicians began, and all the voices have started faltering, slowly. 

He found himself in a crowded place... some sort of festival. There were parades and music, and so many people. So many lights, and the road was illuminated like never before. Amongst the sounds from the festival, he could hear the voices of the technicians speaking over each other. All the noises are merging, and it was overwhelming to say the least. 

Daniel saw a glimpse of quiet amidst the busy streets of the city at the current moment, and that was the thrift store with all the rare, vintage finds of Vinyl records and limited editions of Radiohead shirts. He ran into the store with an unmatched excitement, his smile growing on his face. It felt like utter joy to behold the sight of this store, and even more so when he held the records in his hands. Abbey Road, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs, All Things Must Pass, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, and Axis: Bold As Love... all in his hands. It reminds him of so much happiness in music, the only thing he ever really loved and treasured the most in this world. 

Daniel picked up the My Chemical Romance record first. The cover had little scratches at the back, but it was still in good condition. He could hear the songs play in his head just looking at it, and he smiled.

Epiphany struck him, right then and there, that maybe, just maybe, if this really is one of his memories, Kathryn would be here. 

He remembers that one Thursday afternoon in August, watching the parades with such big smiles on their faces after purchasing 60s, 70s, and 80s blues and disco records. They were holding each other’s hands, stealing kisses, and hugging so tightly like there’s no tomorrow.

The record disappeared from his hand. He could hear Khalil’s conversations with Elizabeth and Gabbi. They were indiscernible, yet so distinct at the same time. It was loud. It was all he could hear. Except... Kathryn was calling him. 

Memorabilia of 60s psychedelic rock bands were disappearing from the shelves of the store as he looked around. Everything else were following. The windows. The trees. The floor. It was frightening, and even the parade was diminishing little by little.

Kathryn stood in the crowd, waving. Her hair looked soft and her smile was gentle. “Kath? Please don’t go,” he spoke rather quietly. He couldn’t shout. He ran across the street without fear of the speeding vehicles as they were disappearing consecutively, he just wanted to get to her. 

Daniel felt his heart stop. Kathryn was disappearing, too. He was too late. He felt tears in his eyes, and he wondered if the technicians at his apartment could see it, too. “This is ridiculous,” he shook his head in disbelief. 

Khalil saw tears forming at the corners of Daniel’s closed eyes. He felt his heart sink in his chest at the sight of his utter sadness. It reminds him of himself. 

He refrained himself from revisiting past memories and instead, took a sip of his coffee and continued working, though he couldn’t help but steal a glance at Gabbi every once in a while.

In Daniel’s sleep, walls are appearing around him now. The sun was shining brighter and brighter, it was a new beginning, a fresh start. The wind was blowing gently through the trees, and the breeze was cold against his skin. Daniel took a breath in a moment of peace he knew wouldn’t last forever, he just wanted to run and see Kathryn again. Even only in their memories. Maybe they could outrun everything together. Maybe she will wake up one day and remember Daniel, and all will be well, again. 

“Is that possible, though?” 

“What is?” Daniel turned around. There was nothing there. 

“For Kathryn to wake up one day and remember Daniel? Or vice versa. I mean, is the procedure irreversible?” The voice asked once more. _Who’s speaking?_

Daniel frowned in confusion, as he turned around again and couldn’t make out the shapes forming in this old memory he’s exploring. 

“I don’t know if it’s irreversible. But the procedure is usually thorough, zapping different areas of the brain. Memories aren’t localized, which means they cannot be found in just one area in there. There’s the hippocampus, for memories, and then there’s the amygdala... one of the emotional centers of the brain. They often go hand in hand, really.”

“I’m new here so I didn’t really know that. Thank you, Khalil. You’re really one of the smartest people I know,” a familiar voice replied in a cheerful, sweet manner. 

“Gabbi, the technician?” Daniel asked himself. His voice echoed in the room. 

“Who’s Gabbi?” Daniel asked. 

A museum formed around the two of them. The architecture was beyond exquisite, with Medieval-influenced column designs, and sculptures stood in all their glory. Various works of art were hung on the walls, in different frames and different sizes. 

“Kath?” Daniel could pinpoint this exact location from their one-year anniversary. The clothes he was wearing were the same, but Kathryn was wearing the same ones she wore on their anniversary. Her hair was dyed a light brown shade, with blonde highlights. It was shorter, though her bangs still covered her forehead. Her lips were painted deep red, and her eyes shone with love. Her chest was adorned with silver gold necklaces gifted to her by Daniel. 

This is a memory indeed, and Daniel’s afraid of it fading away. He needed to make every second count. 

Kathryn smiled at him shyly. Her eyes were kind and her smile was welcoming. It was the most beautiful sight to behold amongst all the art in that museum. He wanted to move but he could only stare and smile back. 

The moment he stepped forward, he noticed from his peripheral vision how the Baroque and Surrealist paintings were fading one by one. He took Kathryn’s hand and they ran out of the museum, breathing heavily in exhaustion. 

“What’s going on, DJ? Why are we running?” Kathryn was laughing while she asked, though she was clueless. 

“Because if we don’t, I’m going to lose you again.” 

“You won’t lose me.”

“I already did.” 

The scenarios are starting to change again. He remained holding her hand tightly, constantly looking out for what’s next. 

The museum had fallen away and what was left was the busy streets of Manhattan, and once he saw a car, he broke in and revved the engine. 

“God! Why won’t it start?” The engine sputtered continuously. Daniel hit the steering wheel in frustration. 

“Why are you being like this, DJ?” 

“Being like what?” He continued starting up the engine, grumbling and complaining.

“You’re so angry. And confusing. This is not like you,” Kathryn replied curtly, rolling down the window to get some air and looking out on the streets. 

Daniel scoffed in response. “This is your fault.” 

“What is?” 

“Everything! Look around you, Kath, everything’s falling apart,” Daniel was trembling, struggling to keep it together. His anger and frustration were the only things stopping him from crying again in that moment. “You erased me.” 

“DJ—“

“You erased me,” Daniel enunciated, as if he was reiterating it more to himself than to the one he’s speaking to. “I don’t know why I am outrunning this, I should just let you disappear.” 

Kathryn’s face fell as he heard those words. Daniel quieted down and was speaking gently in the saddest fashion, especially in realizing that the Kathryn he was talking to was not really her. Just a part of his memories, from his own perception. “Okay. If that’s what you really want.” 

On the contrary, it wasn’t what Daniel wanted. He never wanted anything with this. But it happened, and it just feels pointless and hopeless by now. He replied nothing, just sat down and waited for everything to disappear. Kathryn exited the car, and it was time for this memory to be erased and for another one to unfold. 

Elizabeth said the procedure wouldn’t be painful. He doubted that, and he was right. It was just unexpected for everything to turn out this way— having to relive all these memories before they disappear right in front of him. It was all he had, and now it’s gone. 

It was sad how the happy memories had to go, too. But even the saddest memories were worth it to keep, because Kathryn was there. It was all so worth it. 

“I shouldn’t have done this,” he whispered, shaking his head. “Elizabeth, Gabbi, and Khalil, I don’t want to do this anymore. If you could hear me, please, I want to keep every memory...”

Daniel closed his eyes, wiped his tears, and wished to be strong. He hadn’t cried in so long, that everything was pouring out of him like a surge of emotions. It was mostly sadness and regret. 

The technicians got concerned when Daniel immediately opened his eyes. “Is he awake?” Khalil asked and went over to check. Daniel wasn’t moving, though.

“Should we call Dr. Irish Marquez?” Gabbi asked in a concerned manner. 

Elizabeth shook her head and walked over to the bed with an injection. “Simon would be mad if we were to disturb their dinner date with a mistake in the procedure. I mean, we know he doesn’t really approve so highly of his wife’s company.” Daniel closed his eyes again once Elizabeth injected him. “There, he should be out for a few more hours.” 

“Khalil, are you hungry? I ordered some extra takeouts,” Gabbi offered him some utensils and food, smiling. 

Khalil felt butterflies in his stomach from the sweet gesture, but he politely declined and went back to work. Elizabeth sees her trying really hard to win his affections, but it might be impossible from their history. She couldn’t help but feel sorry for the both of them, though. 

Once Daniel found he was in another memory of his, he tried to look for Kathryn first and foremost, and if he could just find a way to snap out of everything and jump awake, he could stop the procedure from happening. Maybe they could meet all over again, and he’s willing to get hurt, again, and that is no question. 

“Kath? Are you here?” He asked into the emptiness of his current world. The sound of a piano can be heard, echoing from the distance. He could hear the melodic minor scale of F, and he could see Kathryn’s slender fingers skillfully playing the black and white keys with so much grace and dexterity.

“Your playing is beautiful,” Daniel says as he walks over to Kathryn inside a vintage Japanese store of musical instruments.

“DJ?” Kathryn turned from where she sat on the piano stool. “I didn’t think you’d come here.”

“Why wouldn’t I? I’d follow you to the ends of the earth if I have to.”

Kathryn smiled in response, but her expression somberly changed afterwards. “Of all people, I was the one you didn’t think would ever leave. I loved you deeply, yet I still left. I understand if you won’t forgive me.”

Daniel pulled him into an embrace, holding her closer to his heart as much as possible, not wanting to let go. Everything else can fall apart if they have to, but not this. 

“Help me. I don’t want them to find all our memories of each other and erase them. I don’t know what to do,” Daniel whispered, pleading. 

Kathryn pulled away and looked him in his umber eyes. She was determined and full of answers. “Take us to a memory without me.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Just... any memory that doesn’t involve me, can you do that? Can you take us there?” 

Daniel embraced him once again and closed his eyes, forcefully trying to think of something, but nothing comes up. “Everything I remember has you in it.” 

Kathryn laughed against his shoulder. “I love you and I love that, but you have to try and remember something without me before it’s too late.”

“Okay.” 

He closed his eyes once again.

Daniel managed to carry both of them away to a whole new memory, one that is off the map the technicians created. They can’t find him here, and they can’t erase this one. 

They both stood in the middle of an old library. Stacks and shelves of old books, hardwood floors that creak underneath your shoes as you walk, and the sun shining through a faded, light amaranthine curtains, draped over the open windows, welcoming the gentle breeze and fresh air that feels like home. 

Kathryn stared in awe, struck by the beauty and the strong feeling that accompanied the antique establishment. The largest wooden tables had engravings of various poetries in dark gold. 

“They can’t follow us here, Kath,” Daniel felt himself smile so genuinely. “Thank you for encouraging me to do this. I really needed this one...”

Daniel was surprised when he heard a thump. Books were starting to fall from their shelves, trembling, and falling onto each other like dominoes. “They can’t possibly take this from me.” 

“Take us to another memory before they destroy this one!” Kathryn shouted as even the floors started to shake with tremors. The movements stopped when rain started to fall heavily inside the establishment. 

Daniel took off his coat and draped it over Kathryn’s shoulders, and they crawled under the large oak desk, seeking shelter from the unusual storm. “I have no idea what’s happening anymore, Kathryn.” 

“I’m still here, honey. We’ll get through this.”

“I’m really worried that once I wake up, I wouldn’t know you anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts, it’s still better than the life I’ve had before. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” 

The heavy rain started to settle into a light drizzle as they watched— the memory hasn’t changed, but Daniel is still trying his very best for all of this to finally be over.

Khalil’s work was interrupted by the memory change that Daniel did. He was confused how he did it, but it happened. The map they created in targeting the specific memories to remove had suffered an error. 

“Oh my god, what happened?” Elizabeth got up from her seat and went over to the computer immediately. “Can we fix this?”

Khalil started to continuously tap on the keyboard for something to work. He cursed under his breath in frustration. 

“Here, let’s try this,” Gabbi took over the operation, recreating the map needed in removing all recollections and evocations of Kathryn in Daniel’s mind. Khalil watched as she skillfully — and successfully — brought everything back to normal again. He smiled, uncontrollably, and Gabbi felt proud of herself of what she had done. 

Elizabeth felt that warmth in her heart upon seeing them smile at each other with so much adoration. Maybe there could be a chance for them... again.

“Khalil? Can I talk to you for a second?” Elizabeth asked. Gabbi signaled to him that she could monitor the process for a while, and so he stood up, stealing a glance at Gabbi once again. 

“Khalil, this is going to be very complicated, you know that.”

“What is?”

“You and Gabbi, come on, we’ve talked about this with Irish!” 

Khalil clenched his jaw. “Keep your voice down. I’ll just– I’ll try to figure things out, okay, Eli?”

“I don’t mean to pry, okay? I just want you two to be happy. And Gabbi is like a sister to me.” 

“I know,” Khalil swallowed nervously. “I’ll figure things out.” 

“Okay.” 

Daniel managed to revisit his childhood memory of an ice skating rink. It was abandoned, but still taken care of, and he mostly sneaks in there with a couple of friends and running away when the owner realizes they’re trespassing again. The ice reminds him of when he and Kathryn visited the frozen lake and when they named constellations. Kathryn pointed out Cygnus, Eridanus, Lyra, Draco... Daniel only knew the Big Dipper ones and the Ursa Major. He tried to learn more to impress her, though, because she loved astronomy very much. 

They couldn’t find the ice skating blades anywhere in the rink. They held each other arm by arm instead, and walked carefully, trying not to slip. They laughed at each other, desperately holding on, before giving up and just laying flat on the cold ice. 

“Are you hurt, honey?”

“I can’t get hurt, DJ, I’m a figment of your memories,” Kathryn laughed, leaning his head on Daniel’s chest. Whenever he spoke, Kathryn could feel his chest vibrate with his deep voice, and he could feel his heart beating so fast. 

She smiled, knowing she’s the reason. 

Daniel wrapped his arm around her, his hand warm enough in contrast to the ice beneath them. “I could stay here forever. No matter how long it takes for them to just give up and stop erasing my memories of you.”

“DJ... I don’t think they would.” Kathryn’s expression was sad, but it was more of a pity. Daniel didn’t like that, but it was the truth. Little by little, the lights in the skating rink started to dim. Inch by inch, everything was falling apart again. It was inevitable. 

He sat up and held his beloved's hands. “I don’t want to forget you, _mahal_.” 

“You won’t.” 

“I won’t? How certain are you?” 

“Your heart will remember me,” Kathryn replied, placing her hand on top of his chest where she could feel his heart beat. 

“Does your heart remember me?” 

“I’m still your Kath, but I’m only a figment of your memories, DJ. I don’t know what to say.” 

“I know. I’ll miss you, though. I really wish you never left.” Daniel moved to embrace her one last time but she disappeared before then. 

He knows where he find her next— in the most important memory of all. 

Daniel felt frightened. After all of this, the pain would be gone, but all the traces of love that she had left would also be gone, and he didn’t want that. 

He walked inside the Atmosphere Arcade, retracing all his steps from the years before, and it felt so new, and so surreal. He could make out Kathryn’s silhouette, and he knew he needed to make this one count. He has walked through a blur of a thousand memories they have had, and this by far, is the most important setting. 

It was their very first meeting, and it is now the very last one. 

Daniel walked over to the arcade game of Space Invaders, seeing the high score ranking with Kathryn’s nickname at the very top. “See that?” 

Daniel turned around at the sound her voice. He pointed at the numbers on the ranking list. “That’s a little low for the ‘highest score,’ to be honest,” he challenged, mocking her by using air quotation marks.

She smiled at the potential of a competition. “Oh, really? Let’s see what you’ve got. If you win, you’re going to have to buy me tokens.” 

Daniel smiled sheepishly. “If you win, I’ll buy you dinner.” 

Kathryn scoffed. “That’s easy. And if you win?”

“I’d still buy you dinner.” 

Kathryn’s cheeks blushed at the realization, and Daniel felt like he won already. She tucked her hair behind her ears, her eyes now focused on how Daniel was playing the game. “I can’t focus if you’re watching too intently.” 

“You’re just making up excuses now,” Kathryn replied, and she laughed as Daniel lost too many points away from her high score. Emerging victorious, Daniel just watched her play, in awe with seeing her so competitive, playing with so much determination and happiness. “You know what? If I win, I want one of the plushies over there at the claw machines. I’ve been trying so hard to get one.” 

“Which one do you want? That should be easy,” Daniel looked over at the machines, eager and exhilarated at the notion of impressing this beautiful woman before him.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” Daniel felt the intensity of her gaze, scratching his head and turning away to look at anywhere else but her in such an awkward fashion.

“The small elephant one is really cute, I think,” Kathryn replied after taking a few seconds to decide.

“A small elephant, then,” Daniel smiled in return. 

It dawned on him just how fast the technicians were erasing this memory, and so the smile fell from his face and took in the sight of Kathryn one last time. 

“This is the last I’ll see of you, you know?” 

“I know.” 

Daniel just stood there, watching her. “I love you.” 

Kathryn stopped playing for a while, letting the game be over. Her eyes were sad, and she wanted to speak, yet she couldn’t. 

“And I wanted to marry you. I was– I was _so_ sure I was going to marry you,” he continued, pursing his lips, and taking pauses to fix his composure. He felt a lump in his throat that wouldn’t go away. “I just... I just wanted you to know that... and that I’ll be here, waiting for you, if you want to come back. If you want meet me again. If you’ll leave, I’d understand. But I’ll do it all over again. I promise.” 

He was speaking into nothingness now as Kathryn was the first one to disappear before everything else in the arcade had. It was over, and Daniel felt so numb. It would be strange to have so much feelings with no explanations after this, or do these feelings go away once the memories do? 

Either way, Daniel would wake up with no more Kathryn to remember, and it is a bittersweet truth to behold. 


	5. Trouble – Coldplay

** February 12, 2004 **

Khalil, Gabbi, and Elizabeth celebrate being successful with the procedure, and as they start to clean up and take their equipment back to their car, Khalil accidentally leaves his journal behind. As Gabbi picks it up, a Polaroid photo which acted like a bookmark, fell out from the pages. 

Gabbi felt her heart began to sink, seeing as the Polaroid photo was of hers and Khalil’s from a year ago. It was even signed with their own signatures and the date of which it was taken. There was nothing in her recollection of that photo, and the only explanation couldn’t have been possible. “Khalil?”

“Gab... Where did you get that?”

”What is this, Khalil? Since when were we together, and were you ever going to tell me?”

“Gab—“

“I liked you for a long time, you know? You should have just told me if you knew about this. I can’t believe this.” Gabbi left in a hurry, leaving Khalil speechless and defeated, looking to Elizabeth for any help. 

It had always been Dr. Irish F. Marquez’ explanation that this targeted-memory removal would be helpful, especially for those who had phobias, fears, and anything they might want to forget. Though, there had always been that question of ethics in which some situations will affect the other people involved in those memories that were being erased. Gabbi, after rummaging through all the confidential files, was conflicted after realizing she was the one who wanted to erase her memories of Khalil. It was amazing how he managed to still have an amicable relationship with her and treat her the same way without their history getting in the way, but there is no way that he had deserved it. 

After much further thought and discussions with Irish and the other technicians, Gabbi sent all records and reminiscences to the respective people they belonged to. 

It was the right thing to do. 

Elizabeth helped with loading the boxes into the trunk of Gabbi’s car, and she held her in a warm embrace, seeing as she was in distress. Elizabeth gave her a soft smile before going back to the office to help Dr. Marquez with her things. 

Khalil approached her, all nervous and full of regret. “I’m sorry. I should have told you. You didn’t have to find out that way.” 

“I should be apologizing. I— I had no right with erasing those memories, they were only half mine,” Gabbi started, taking Khalil’s hand in her small ones. She looked down, ashamed. 

“If you want to make new ones, I’m okay with that,” Khalil replied, his voice shaky. He’s willing to put the past behind them now and start a new one. “We could learn from our mistakes. We could be better. I’m willing to make this work if you are.”

“How are you still willing to forgive me, Khalil? I mean, I hurt you—“

“We hurt each other. There’s no guarantee that we would never do that again. But that’s how relationships work, Gab, and I– I want that. Again. With you.”

Gabbi pulled him into an embrace. Every ending could be a new beginning after all. “I want that, too.”

As Daniel woke up, there was a new level of emptiness that he felt right in his heart, but it had always been the same, anyways. He wakes up in the same gloomy apartment, staring at the rose-tinted walls from the sun shining dimly through his red curtains. As he forced himself to get up for the day, his head ached as though he had been hungover. It was almost afternoon, and he remembers nothing from the day before or to be quite frank, months. Maybe even years.

There was nothing else he wanted to do that day but to head over to the Atmosphere Arcade. There’s something there. He just knows. It was a three-hour drive, but he just felt so drawn there. Like the strength of gravity... or magnetism. 

Sitting beside the arcades, listening to all the sound effects from the video games, the sound of victorious joys and cheers from children and adults alike, and everything was illuminated with neon lights and childhood nostalgia. All the happiness in the world right before his eyes, and yet Daniel still felt so empty. Something was missing. 

Or maybe there wasn’t.

Rows of claw machines stood from across him, where an auburn-haired woman was engrossed and committed to winning a small elephant plushie from the machine. Daniel walked over, casually striding in front of another claw machine just beside her. 

He glanced to his side, noticing how her hands were slender— and well, pretty— grasping the controller. There was a sparkle in her eyes when the crane clasped the elephant one. Even a small smile formed on her face with feeling so close to winning. Unfortunately in the last minute, the crane let go. 

Daniel didn’t want to just stand there and watch her awkwardly and so he inserted tokens and played the game as well, simultaneously starting with the person beside him. He was good at this game, and he knows whether or not a machine has been rigged. “This is rigged,” she complained under her breath.

“Yeah, it is,” Daniel replied, though he disagrees in his mind. “But you still kept trying.”

“I guess I was hoping I still had a chance, though infinitesimal,” she replied. Her voice was calming and sonorous— it was pleasing and he could stand there and listen to her complain about the claw machines for hours. Her eyes were fixated on the plushie, though. 

“I admire that.” He inserted another token for another try. “I’m Daniel, by the way.” Normally, he wouldn’t be the one to start up conversations with but this one felt right.

“My name’s Kathryn,” she replied curtly.

Daniel smiled and paused for a while. It was a very beautiful name.

Kathryn shot him a look before trying one last game with his remaining token. “Damn it,” she muttered under his breath. She seemed lonely and in distress, and she really seemed to want that toy. After a try, she left anyway, just abandoning the infinitesimal chances that she talked about. 

Daniel stayed for several more tries and finally achieved it, clutching it to his chest like a treasured possession. He walked up behind Kathryn with unmatched enthusiasm, excitedly tapping on her shoulder to offer him the grey elephant. 

Kathryn took the plushie into her small hands, looking at it and then to Daniel with so much adoration. Her cheeks blushed profusely, and her head turned away to hide a shy smile. Daniel’s heart pounded in his chest— he worried it was too fast, and too loud, he feels as if he could hear it, and maybe even Kathryn could hear it. Everything else fell away from them, he could only see her and her radiating happiness. It felt like a dream. Was that good thing or a bad thing? Right now, it felt really good. 

“You won this for me?” Kathryn asked with a soft voice, still looking at the beautiful gift bestowed upon her. “But you were at the claw machines for so long.” 

“I wanted to win this one for you.” Daniel replied. “I don’t know. It just felt right.”

They smiled at each other, and decided to spend the rest of the night in each other’s company. “You look a little familiar to me, do you ever shop at Barnes & Noble?” 

“I work at a coffee shop, actually,” Daniel replies. 

“The Coffee House near the library?” 

Daniel nodded and Kathryn smiled in realization, exclaiming excitedly. “Oh, that’s why. I love the coffee there so much!” 

After a few games and snacks, Kathryn gathered up the courage to hold Daniel’s hand. 

“I want to show you something,” she spoke, and they both ran out into the cold of the night. They ventured into some sort of secret spot where reality seemed to be altered. The trees stood tall, glorious and emerald, whilst the skies were clear from clouds and the twinkling stars decorated the night sky like an Impressionist painting. The lake was frozen solid, slippery, glimmering under the inconspicuous infinite galaxy. 

“We’re not gonna slip, right?” Daniel asked, slightly nervous at the sight of the lake. At the same time, he wanted so badly to go. Kathryn held his hand, and he suddenly felt fearless. "The ice won't break. The ice won't break," he assured himself repeatedly. They trod carefully along the surface, laying down and hugging their coats to themselves. 

They shared a comfortable silence before Kathryn spoke. “I’m not exactly a quiet person once you get to know me, but lately, I don’t really talk that much,” she confessed. “So it’s nice that you’re not forcing me into meaningless conversations.” 

Daniel chuckled, and squeezed her hand as a sign of comfort. “Your silence says more about you than your words. I love that, and thank you for taking me here.”

Kathryn turned her head and gave him a smile, but she was mostly looking into his eyes, as if she were looking for answers. All she found are questions, though. Daniel had that demeanor you can trust, someone you know is not going to take advantage of any moment of vulnerability, for he is vulnerable himself, and he is not afraid to show it. “Can I ask you what your dreams are in this life?” 

“I’ve always thought that by my age, I would be a successful musician by now. I used to study music, and even write, until I never got the time to do so anymore,” Daniel replied in all honesty. He realized he had never said that out loud to anyone before. “The problem is whenever I do have the time, I can’t even get myself to pick up a guitar. I still love music but... I don’t really know what happened. It’s pathetic.” 

“It’s not pathetic,” Kathryn moved her head to face him, trying her best in reassuring him. “You can love something and still let go of it. It will come back for you if it really is for you. And you will come back for it, whenever you’re ready, whenever you’re alright again.” 

“I guess so,” Daniel gestured for her to lay her head on his chest, and proceeded to wrap an arm around her shoulders, providing the warmth their coat jackets cannot do. “Can you name those constellations?” 

“Let’s see. Well, that one! That’s Eridanus,” she reached out her arm and pointed to the sky. 

“Are you making that up? I’ve never heard of that before.” 

Kathryn laughed. “I’m not! See? It looks like a flowing river. It curves to its left and back to its right.” 

“I can’t see it,” Daniel squinted, yet to no avail. There weren’t any patterns laid out that was visible to his sight. 

Kathryn then takes his hand, cover its with hers, and point his index finger to where the constellation graces the sky. She helped him trace all its directions of arches and patterns of crescents, like a river or stream. It starts from Orion the Hunter, which was helpful, for it was one of the most conspicuous and recognizable of the 88 constellations that she knew of. Astronomy has always appealed to her— you see yourself staring at a canvas of dotted lights, clusters of clouds, galactic dusts, and asterisms and all the cosmic objects, yet in truth, you are looking at simultaneously both the boundless void and vast infinities of the ever-expanding universe.

Existence has never felt so inexplicable before, and it scared Kathryn thinking of it. Daniel felt her shoulders tense against him, and so he sat up and tried to get her attention. He reached her now numbing hand and placed it against the softness of her face, caressing her cheek in hopes of comfort. “Are you okay?”

Kathryn leaned into his touch and took in Daniel’s face before him in the glow of the moonlight. “I am now,” she replied, now deciding that pursuing all the questions of the universe just didn’t matter as much as knowing this person before her. He exudes the radiance of a person who is full of love and hope, of dreams and kindness— and to Kathryn, Daniel holds every importance and beauty of the universe, and that was all that matters. 

Existence has never felt so inexplicable, still, but in a good way, right in that moment. There was no way of knowing if this is still a dream, the most beautiful there ever was. How could a stranger behold so much secrecy and mystery, yet so much familiarity? It just feels right. 

His lips resemble a heart, rosy and soft, and his smile is contagious. His voice is gentle and welcoming, and his eyes look at her with so much kindness and affection. Daniel is this stranger who felt so much like home. “It scares me how much I am drawn to you,” he spoke. There was that voice again. “I’ve never felt like this before. I just... I just feel like I belong. I could spend eternity here, and I wouldn’t care. It just– It just feels right, you know?” 

Kathryn was astounded, she couldn’t find the words in her head, and hearing it from Daniel was a relief. She, too, had never felt such a feeling as strong as this before. “It does. It feels right.” 

“It also feels very cold now,” Daniel joked, smiling sheepishly. He reaches for her hand as they stand and tread carefully on the icy surface once more. The moment he stood, it’s like he didn’t want to leave. They don’t let go of each other’s hands even as they walked to the car, quite unsure now where to go. “I could drive you home if you want,” he offers, and Kathryn smiles in response before reaching for a pen inside the car’s glove compartment. She writes her numbers on the palm of his hand. 

“So you could call me when you get home,” Kathryn points out, and she smiles. It felt like she smiled more in that day more than she ever did in his life, and it means so much. Kathryn could dwell on that moment in time forever.


	6. I Promise – Radiohead

** February 13, 2004 **

Daniel drove her home and left her a kiss on the cheek, bidding farewell before they see each other again. And he couldn’t wait. Once in his apartment, he sprawled onto what felt like a thousand of his pillows and blankets in so much exhaustion. He couldn’t sleep though. 

It was 03:13 in the morning, and he could only wait and watch the sun shine through his red curtains to paint the walls rose-tinted. Reminds himself of Kathryn’s blush once again. 

He reminisced everything from last night: from feeling drawn to the Atmosphere Arcade, to winning the plushie for Kathryn, for their shared moment of vulnerability and honesty in that frozen lake under the stars. It felt, so badly, like a dream. Is that a good thing or a bad thing, and how should he know?

So Daniel dreamt of her. He was singing to her, with all the passion in his heart. “I don’t want to wake up now,” he told Kathryn. “I’m so happy with you, and I can’t lose this.” 

“You won’t,” she replied. But the sceneries changed. He’s in a different place, with crowds of people, with distinctive voices yet indiscernible dialogues. So much inconsistency. 

It’s becoming a nightmare now. Strangely enough, it feels so real. He’s holding his phone in his hand, and there’s not a single scratch on it. There are vases of flowers on the tables, the walls were eggshell white, there were people in laboratory coats. It feels like a memory. Something he had lost. 

He looked around and found himself in some sort of laboratory. Or a cheap clinic. There were inhumanly shapes walking towards him and Daniel started to panic. “I want to wake up.” 

He felt his hands shake, and sweat began to form on the sides of his head. The voices were too loud and indiscernible, and as they started to fade, everything was changing. Everything felt like a blur. Hours passed before he jolted awake. What in the heavens was he dreaming about? There were strangers and noises he couldn’t comprehend. It was too much. 

He woke up with an aching head, and so he strut to the kitchen to drink some water just to find mail from some company. Fernandez Inc., of Manhattan. He never really heard of that before. 

It was 04:18 in the afternoon and he still had a lot of time to drive to the arcade, not counting the hours for the traffic. He hopes not to be too late, and so he throws the envelope he received so he could read it in the car to save time. He disinterestedly ripped it open, revealing a cassette tape. Daniel didn’t take notice of the name and note from the package. He doesn’t really care much about it, so leaves it on the dashboard instead. All he could think about was seeing Kathryn again. 

He tucked his hair behind his ears and donned his brown corduroy jacket, his rings adorned his slender fingers, tapping on the steering wheel along to the beat of ABBA's Take A Chance On Me playing in his car. This excitement he’s feeling cannot be contained. It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, and so many ideas ran through his head that he couldn’t keep a hold of them. So while he thought of plans, Daniel decided to take her out to a fancy dinner tonight. Something he could afford, but still be classy enough. He never really dated a lot of people, and so he had to learn from relationships from films and TV shows. What he has with Kathryn feels like something beyond cinematic, though. It could be fate or destiny, or a gift from God, or just a random coincidence made by the universe. It didn't matter. He was very grateful.

Kathryn was sitting on the bench outside and waved to him as soon as she saw sight of the car. The Atmosphere Arcade was only blocks away from where Kathryn lived, and it was very convenient. “Where are we going, DJ?”

“I called for a reservation at a restaurant for us tonight, I hope that’s okay.” 

“It is. But I could have dressed better—“

“You look beautiful as always,” he interrupted, seeing Kathryn look down at her casual outfit. 

Kathryn noticed the ripped envelope on his dashboard with the cassette tape. She looked at it with curiosity and silently asked permission to check it out. Daniel nodded, still disinterested with the cassette tape. It was probably an incorrectly sent mail, anyway. “I received something exactly like this, too. But I left it at home. Can I read it?”

“Yeah, go ahead. I’m not really sure what it is,” Daniel replied as he lowered the music’s volume and kept his eyes on the road. Every once in a while he steals a glance at Kathryn, and her brows are furrowed in reading the note from the envelope. He sings along to Sting's Fields of Gold, before pausing so as to not be disrespectful with her reading.

“To all patients of Dr. Irish Marquez. My name is Gabriella Louise Ortega, we have met before but you wouldn’t remember me. I worked for a company you hired which assisted in having part of your memory erased. We have since decided this whole project has been a horrible mistake, and in order to correct this, I’m sending everyone’s file back to them,” Kathryn read aloud, perplexed.

“Is that like an advertisement or something?” 

Kathryn shook her head, flipping the page to see if there was more to it. “How come we’re both getting mail from the same company?”

“I have no idea, Kath,” he responds, pulling over to the safe side of the road and pops the cassette tape to the player. A piece of masking tape was plastered on it that took Daniel’s attention. “I first thought it was a lost package but this one has my name on it.” 

There was a crackle in the beginning as Daniel turned the knob in increasing its volume. _“My name is Daniel John Ford. And I’m here to erase Kathryn Chandria Bernardo. We were in a relationship. We had a fight, and when I found out days later that she had come here to erase me, I decided to do the same.”_

Kathryn looked at him, frowning. “Is this some kind of joke, DJ?” 

Daniel shook his head, clueless and confused with what what he was hearing. “I don’t remember saying all of this. I swear."

“ _I hated how quiet she was_ _when she was with me. She’s so happy, being out with her other friends. But with me... she was just quiet._ _It felt like I was with a stranger. I was so happy when we met, but over time, I could feel her feeling trapped with me. Like I’m boring her or something. Like I’ve been keeping her too close. Like I’m a prison. The more time we spent, the longer the years went on, the less I knew her. She was just slipping through my fingers.”_

“I don’t think that way, Kath. I—“

Kathryn stayed silent, her lips pursed and her tears slowly cascading down her cheeks. Daniel could only stare. He wanted to stop the recording but she refrained him. His heart was pounding against his chest. 

_“She’s always told me she loved me, but recently, she just stopped. But I still kept saying it. I wanted her to know I really loved her. Eventually, I caved in and stopped, because I felt pathetic. Our relationship started to feel like it was only one-way. My feelings started to mirror hers, you know?. The more she got sick of me, I got sick of her, too. Even when I didn’t, it just felt that way.”_

There was only silence in the car. There were still a few seconds left on the tape, and it was utterly horrible to hear so much of that come from Daniel himself. But they couldn’t even stop it. 

_“We distanced ourselves from each other for a while. When I decided I wanted to go win her back and save our relationship, she had erased me. Just like that. That was the worst thing she ever did. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to hate her so much for making me feel that way, but I never did. But I know I want to do this. I don’t want to remember her ever again. I’ll be damned if our paths ever cross again. She was the worst thing that ever happened to my life.”_

Kathryn unfastened her seatbelt and exited the car, her eyes blurry from the tears. They couldn’t even look at each other. Daniel stayed still. He felt sick. He couldn’t even chase after her after everything he’s heard. 

_“I was so happy the first time we met. I wanted to give her everything I could offer, and everything good in this world. I wanted to marry her, I was even going to buy a ring,”_ Daniel paused in the recording as his voice started to tremble. _“My God. I really thought I was going to marry her. Pretty much the day we met. I hate myself right now for still wanting her to come back. I want to take back everything I said.”_

 _“Do you still want her erased, Daniel?”_ Marquez’ voice asked. There was a long pause. 

_“Yes. Yes, I do.”_


	7. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room – John Mayer

** February 14, 2004 **

It was Valentine’s Day. It was such an important day for others. To Daniel, it was one of the worst days of his life. The tape brought back some of his memories, though they were a blur, it was worse knowing how much he wanted to keep every recollection of Kathryn. His head hurt, but his heart suffered far more aching. 

He hasn’t come to work for five days, and he had lost all the care in the world for everything else. His journals had pages ripped off of them, his sketches were messy, and some of his guitars have been left alone for so long that he started to feel sorry for them.

Listening to the tape made him realize the reason they were so close even on the first day they met. The feelings either remained the same or intensified. Their memories might have been erased, but their hearts remembered. Maybe they should give it a shot one more time.

All the pain Kathryn caused was still nothing in comparison to the emptiness in his life before she came into it. The strength of what he felt — of the whole night they were enthralled and captivated in each other’s company — brought him so much longing, and so much life. Nothing else will ever come close.

He drove over to Kathryn’s home address, knocking on the door repeatedly until she opened it. 

Kathryn was a mess. The tape was playing in the background, listing all the things she hated about Daniel and their relationship. She couldn’t believe just how much she had lost and just how much she regretted hurting him. She felt that didn’t deserve to be loved after what she had done, and that it was only right that Daniel wanted to erase her, too. 

_Maybe that’s why people leave her_ , Kathryn thought to herself. She couldn’t reciprocate the love they were providing, even as friends. She didn’t know what was wrong with herself, if it was her ego, or merely her innate desire to run away from the good things in her life before she gets the chance to ruin them. 

_“I felt suffocated. I didn’t know if I loved him anymore. Everything was overwhelming. But I couldn’t let him go even if I wanted to. I just want to run away and escape from it all, and this is the only solution I have,”_ Daniel stood in the doorway, across from where Kathryn sat on the hardwood floors of her home, her own voice reverberating throughout the room. _“The thought of spending the rest of my life with him was imprisoning. I hated it with a passion. I didn’t know if I could ever love again, and to be frank with you, I don’t want to love again, and I wish I had never met DJ. He put me on such a pedestal, I could never be myself without being a failure or disappointment.”_

Daniel only listened intently. He wanted to believe that that was the past, and that they shouldn’t be doomed to repeat it. “I’m sorry,” Kathryn spoke gently as she sat still on the floor beside a glass of half-empty whiskey. As Daniel sat beside her, she handed him the sketchpad she was hugging closely to her chest. “I found this.” It was an artwork Daniel drew of the both of them. 

_“Over time, I hated all the drawings he made of us. They lacked courage, and they lacked truthfulness. There was nothing so colorful about the life we shared,”_ said Kathryn on the recording. She retorts to this by holding Daniel’s hand. “On the contrary to what I had just said... I _do_ love your art.” 

Daniel smiled. The recording continued on: _“I hated listening to his voice. His laugh. Everything.”_

“I love your voice, DJ,” Kathryn responds softly, contradicting every hateful thing she says on the recording before. “I love everything about you. I don’t understand how I could have said things like that.” 

The tape had stopped, and so they sat together in deafening silence until Kathryn abruptly stood up and left. She felt too ashamed and too full of regret. It was overwhelming. 

Daniel chased her into the empty hallway were they stood across each other. “Nobody’s perfect,” he responds simply, his voice reassuring. “We’re not perfect people, and our relationship was definitely not going to be perfect either. We probably expected it to stay that same way in all those two years. We both made mistakes, so don’t be too hard on yourself, okay, jo?”

Kathryn smiles at the endearment. “Last night was too perfect. Did you notice the two small elephant plushies sitting on my bed? You won those two for me. Both in the first days that we met. The company sent the other one back to me.” She was reminiscent. Finding a smile despite her sniffling and her voice trembling. Daniel seemed to have stopped listening, and he looked as if his mind was somewhere else. 

“If we erase each other from our minds again, do you think we’d still find our way back?” Daniel asked out of the blue. He was looking into the distance, wistfully thinking. “When they were erasing your memories of me, were you trying to wake up, too?” 

Daniel faced her this time. This question stuck with his mind. If Kathryn really loved him still, she’s probably done the same thing he did to prevent waking up with memories of their relationship just gone. Like they had no weight or value at all. 

Kathryn nodded. “Reliving all those moments made me realize that I can’t lose you. I wanted to go back. I was crying endlessly the first time I went into this coffee shop near the library. For some reason. It was frustrating, because I cried so easily over the littlest things after that. I found myself going to the arcade a lot, trying to win these ones from the claw machines. For days. I didn’t exactly know why. I just knew that I wanted to.” 

Daniel was struck, and he struggled to find the words. “That was all I needed to hear.”

“DJ... what are you thinking?” 

“We could give it another shot, jo. We could. It feels right to me. Doesn’t it feel that way to you?” His eyes were hopeful, and Kathryn wanted it badly just as much as he did, but there was so much at risk. All the complications. 

“It does. But I’m afraid, okay? I’m afraid that we’ll grow to resent each other again. That we’d suffocate each other, and that I wouldn’t enough for you.” 

Daniel disagreed wholeheartedly. He held Kathryn’s face in his hands, their foreheads touching. “Not enough for me? You are everything, so don’t say that. I could marry you right here in this instant and I just know I would never, not even for a second, ever regret it.” 

Kathryn took a pause to study his face, looking more into his eyes and seeing herself in the reflection. She is all that Daniel sees right now. Despite everything. Despite the lost, painful memories. 

He meant everything he said. 

“I will, then.” 

“Really?” 

“I will.” 

Daniel wrapped her into a tight hug, realizing just how much their situation begs so many unanswered questions that he doesn’t care for. There had only been one answer all throughout and he was holding it in an embrace. Do the memories define our emotions, or do our emotions define the memories? Either way, it didn’t seem to matter. The memories never mattered at all to the both of them, anyway. It just felt right. With or without prior memories, Daniel just knew he would always end up in that Atmosphere Arcade and win any treasured prize that Kathryn would want. In any other world, Kathryn would always find what she was looking for, and she will always hold his hand and take him to the frozen lake where they lay beside each other naming stars and constellations. 

After all, we are far more beyond our memories, we are far more beyond than mere coincidences, we are all specks of dust in this vast nothingness and infinities where destiny may or may not be controlling our fates. Soulmates aren’t found, they are made, and once they created a bond, it will be unbreakable. They will always eventually find their way back to each other— wherever, whenever, no matter how long and no matter how many tries it would take.

Daniel had always belonged to Kathryn, the same way Kathryn had always belonged to Daniel. They conquered the unyielding rules of the universe, and created their own. 

Nothing else really mattered.

It just felt right.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004), this is entirely fictional; please don’t repost. i actually wrote this first as a blasnique au, and after some minor changes in the aforementioned published au, i wrote it to a kathniel version. — r


End file.
